Got the Money Anyway
(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)
Play script by Cui Kai et al.
Characters
Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan
Shenyang, acted by Shen He
CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian
Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)
小品：“不差錢”
（2009年中央電視臺春節(jié)聯(lián)歡晚會節(jié)目）
編創(chuàng)者 崔凱 等
表演者 趙本山、沈鶴、畢福劍、王金鳳（毛毛）
（舞臺上是一個餐廳的背景，寫著：“蘇格蘭情調(diào)”。本山大叔穿著中山裝，身上背著一串蒜頭，手上拿著野雞，拉著毛毛上場。）
(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)
趙本山：到了。
毛毛： 到了。
趙本山：這就是鐵嶺最貴的一家飯店。這不，蘇格蘭調(diào)情（tiáo qíng）。
毛毛： 爺爺，你念反了，蘇格蘭情調(diào)（qíng diào）。
趙本山：啊，情調(diào)？就擱這兒吃。
毛毛： 爺爺，這家老貴的啦。
趙本山：貴？咱帶錢了，帶三萬多塊，那包呢？
毛毛： 我沒拿包啊。
趙本山：裝錢那包，黃包。
毛毛： 完了，讓我落炕上了。
趙本山：我說，你這孩子還能辦點(diǎn)事嗎？！這給你辦事，落炕上了還。兜里還有錢嗎？
毛毛： 兜里，多少錢哪才？才70多塊錢。
趙本山：我還有400。行，夠了。
毛毛： 這也不能夠啊。
趙本山：哎呀，夠不夠就這樣了。服務(wù)員！
Uncle Zhao Here we are.
Yadar Here we are.
Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."
Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
Yadar But it's very expensive.
Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
Yadar What bag?
Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.
Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?
Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
Yadar Still not enough.
Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!
（小沈陽上）
小沈陽：對不起大爺，我們這是高檔酒店，不收農(nóng)副產(chǎn)品。
趙本山：不是，我們是吃飯的。
小沈陽：媽呀，吃飯的？
趙本山：不像啊？
小沈陽：不太像。
趙本山：我說姑娘啊，這頓飯非常重要。
小沈陽：媽呀，你管誰叫姑娘呢，人家是純爺們。
趙本山：咋這么個打扮，還穿個裙子呢。
小沈陽：這是按我們蘇格蘭風(fēng)格來包裝的。再說也不是裙子啊，這不七分褲嗎。你看，是有腿的哦。媽呀，著急穿跑偏了。媽呀，我說走道咋沒有襠呢。
趙本山：行了，那條腿留明兒個穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你說呀，今天我要請一位重要客人吃飯，你一定要招待好。
小沈陽：呃，沒問題。
趙本山：來來來，我問問你，你們這個酒店，如果要急頭白臉吃一頓，得多少錢？
小沈陽：咋還吃急眼了呢？
趙本山：我意思就是，最貴的都點(diǎn)上。
小沈陽：得一、兩萬的。
趙本山：一、兩萬？啊，那啥，有沒有這種情況，今兒個吃完了，明兒個來結(jié)賬？
(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
Shenyang Not quite.
Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.
Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.
Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.
Shenyang No problem.
Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?
Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.
Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?
小沈陽：打白條兒啊？
趙本山：不是啊，不是打白條，不差錢，有錢。喏。
小沈陽：啥意思？
趙本山：小費(fèi)。
小沈陽：媽呀，大爺你真敞亮，你太帥了。
趙本山：給一百塊錢還帥呢。我跟你說這不白給啊。一會兒客人到了，你一定要給足我面子，明白嗎？我到點(diǎn)菜的時候，你得替我兜著點(diǎn)。
小沈陽：咋兜呢？
趙本山：既把面子給了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要點(diǎn)貴菜......
小沈陽：我就說沒有唄。
趙本山：哎呀媽呀，你太厲害了。來來來，拿點(diǎn)。再給你30，來。
小沈陽：我跟你都明碼的哦。
趙本山：謝謝。
小沈陽：放心吧。
毛毛： 爺爺，我有點(diǎn)餓了。
趙本山：餓了？來碗面條。
小沈陽：呃，78一碗。
趙本山：啥面？這么貴。
小沈陽：蘇格蘭打鹵面。
趙本山：是不是鹵子貴？
小沈陽：鹵不要錢。
趙本山：那就來碗鹵子，先嘗嘗咸淡。快去，快去。
小沈陽：媽呀，沒這么上過呀。
趙本山：那是我沒來，我要來，你早就這么上了。去吧去吧。
小沈陽：這老爺子，我要說面條不要錢，要面條了你還。
Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?
Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
Shenyang What's it?
Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
Shenyang Like how?
Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?
Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.
Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.
Shenyang Nothing much.
Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
Shenyang 78 yuan.
Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?
Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?
Shenyang It's free.
Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.
Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.
Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.
Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)
趙本山：來，站起來。跟你說，一會兒星光大道的畢老師來了，你一定要給我爭個臉，好不？這是人生最好的一次機(jī)會，知道嗎？爺爺培養(yǎng)了你，都已經(jīng)四十多年了。
毛毛： 爺爺，我才多大。
趙本山：我還培養(yǎng)你爸三十多年呢。這不，你爸那是個半成品，我都給培養(yǎng)成文化站站長了。你一定要超過他，有決心嗎？
毛毛： 有。
趙本山：表一下決心。
毛毛： 我指定：
洪湖水，浪打浪，
長江后浪推前浪，
一浪更比一浪強(qiáng)，
把我爹拍在沙灘上！
趙本山：有志向。
小沈陽：哎，來了。
趙本山：來，先把這鹵子喝了，這孩子餓了。
毛毛： 爺爺，有點(diǎn)咸了。
趙本山：沒事，給她整碗水去。
小沈陽：免費(fèi)的水，不是？
趙本山：白開水就行。真夠摳的。
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTV's Starlight Broadway c'mes, you must show you' best, OK? It's the best opport'nity for you' own future. Grandpa's been preparin' you over the past 40-plus years.
Yadar Grandpa, see how old I am now.
Uncle Zhao I prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. Though he ain't good enough, he's the chief of the township's cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not?
Yadar I can.
Uncle Zhao Swear if you're serious.
Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong waters rolls on and on,
Each wave behind higher than the one at the front.
Young people are born to challenge their elders;
I'll beach my daddy like... like a wrecked old ship.
Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said!
(Shenyang enters again.)
Shenyang Here's the sauce for you.
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you won't be too hungry.
Yadar Grandpa, it's a bit salty.
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her s'me water to drink.
Shenyang You mean free water?
Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water, you miser.
（畢福劍上）
小沈陽： 喲，你不是那誰嗎，你是那個......蒙住了。朱軍？！不是朱軍。白巖松？！不是。老畢......你是畢老師嗎？！
畢福劍：我姓畢。
小沈陽：哎呀我的媽呀，畢老師來了。你咋出來了呢？哎呀我的媽呀，快來人啊，畢老師，一會兒該跑了。
趙本山：干啥，吵吵巴火的，讓狼攆了咋的？
小沈陽：畢老師......
趙本山：我知道，這就是我要請的客人。
小沈陽：哎呀我的媽呀，畢老師，你給我照個相唄！
趙本山: 你先等一會兒。剛到是吧？
畢福劍：剛到，剛到。
趙本山：我在這兒等半天了。
畢福劍：你好你好。請問您是......？
趙本山：你找誰？
畢福劍：我找蓮花鄉(xiāng)文化站站長趙鐵柱。
趙本山：找對了，這就是趙鐵柱的爹，我是......
毛毛： 趙鐵柱是我爹。
趙本山：我是趙鐵柱的爹。你不是找爹嗎？啊不，找就對了。
畢福劍：爹......不是，我找您兒子。
趙本山：他在鄉(xiāng)里等你呢。啊呀，鄉(xiāng)里布置得老隆重啊，鄉(xiāng)長、書記都在那兒排隊等你呢。布一個大廳，完事弄一個大房間，給你弄一個大照片掛中間，周圍全是花呀。
畢福劍：老哥，這花都什么顏色？
趙本山：白的、黃的都有啊。很漂亮，真的。老百姓都拿筆等著，等得都哭啊，等你呢。
畢福劍：哭什么？
趙本山：這不激動嗎，你去了。來吧，請......
畢福劍：咱去鄉(xiāng)里吧。
趙本山：別介，鄉(xiāng)里布置我，說先擱鐵嶺吃一頓，完事上那兒。你看吧。
(Bi Fujian, MC / anchorman of CCTV's Starlight Broadway program, enters.)
Shenyang Why, aren't you that one - Zhujun! Oh sorry. Bai Yansong? Oh no. Or a Bi something! Are you Mr. Bi?
CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.
Shenyang Come here everyone, it`s Mr. Bi here. (To CCTV Man) Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up! Come here! He can go elsewhere at any minute.
Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf?
Shenyang He's Mr. Bi...
Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.
Shenyang Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr. Bi?
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Wait, wait. (To CCTV Man) Welc'me, Mr. Bi.
CCTV Man Nice to meet you.
Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.
CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. May I have your name please?
Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see?
CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.
Uncle Zhao You got it. Here's his daddy and I'm...
Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.
Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy. Aren't you lookin' for a dad... I mean it's right to be looking my way.
CCTV Man Hi, daddy... I mean buddy. So where's your son?
Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you. Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. Flowers all around.
CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy?
Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow. Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.
CCTV Man Why's that?
Uncle Zhao They're excited.
CCTV Man Let's go there, then.
Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first. How abut that?
